The degree to which people within our community are emotionally intelligent affects how civil our society will be. Emotional Intelligence (EI) has long been considered a soft skill, often misunderstood and dismissed by many leaders as fluff. Nothing could be further from the truth. EI has come to the forefront thanks to the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and those who realize that the hard work in gaining this vital skill is far from fluff and has enormous benefits.
EI comprises three components. The first is to identify and learn how to regulate your emotional state. The next is to understand and respect others’ emotional states. The third is to influence others’ emotions positively with this understanding. Discovering, labeling, and understanding one’s emotions is difficult for most.
Early in my self-discovery journey, I recall one of my spiritual teachers asking me about a particular situation, “How does that make you feel”? No one had ever asked me that before, and I had no idea what the answer was. I replied, “What are my choices”? As a child – a white male – I was taught that men don’t cry. Looking back over those turbulent years, I can safely say that men do and should cry. Expressing one’s emotions is healthy, natural, and desirable.
Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts to learning these skills. Uncovering our emotions requires courage and a desire to improve our feelings about ourselves, our family and friends, and anyone we connect with. Many obstacles can stand in the way of our progress, but none as powerful as unresolved trauma. Whether we never healed from abuse as children or we are experiencing and processing grief or other powerful stress, diving into discovering who we are emotionally can be very challenging.
We live in a chaotic world where rational thinking butts heads with fear and confusion. I find it helpful to work with a counselor while on this path of discovery. Like so many challenges in life, we can’t always succeed in going it alone. Try to catch yourself from falling into the trap of self-judgment. If you need help, which most of us do, don’t be shy about seeking it.
Building our understanding of EI enables us to be more aware of our strengths and weaknesses. We gain deeper insights into how we tick, how others tick, and why. We appreciate that everyone’s back story plays a significant role in navigating life’s challenges, where our buttons are, and how we can have compassion for others’ situations. With this deeper understanding comes greater civility. We can, after all, view the world in technicolor – not just black and white. We can become comfortable in a less divisive and more inclusive world.
In conclusion, when we notice uncivil behavior in ourselves, our families, or the organizations we work with, consider introducing emotional intelligence to help achieve happier lives. Who knows? We may even find more joy than we ever thought possible.
Fellow civility authors Jay Remer and Michael Benedict are co-writing a new book that addresses personal barriers to achieving a civil life while outlining helpful solutions anyone can implement. This post is the tenth in a series of weekly, solutions-based articles.
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