So if you're walkin' down the street sometime
And spot some hollow, ancient eyes
Please don't just pass 'em by and stare
As if you didn't care
Say, "Hello in there, hello."
John Prine
I am fortunate to have many senior friends. I have always liked them; I relished their life stories as a child. From the rough streets of New Orleans during the Great Depression to the gritty West Village of NYC in the 1970s, they shared a world I never knew and no longer existed. I wanted to hear their stories because, as a young man, I needed an escape from the world of the 1980s and wanted to believe that a better time existed-if only in the past.
Later in life, however, I learned that being friends with a senior as an adult comes with tremendous responsibilities that I did not foresee.
Many years ago, a friend introduced me to Lee, a senior living in Massachusetts. He was getting remarried after losing his wife to illness. He was friendly and polite but a bit standoffish. I didn’t take it personally, and as I got to know him better, I could tell he was just one of those guys with an edge. A few years into his second marriage, his wife started having severe health issues. I visited them at least once a year and admired how Lee cared for his wife. He was a terrific cook, and the house was always immaculate. When his wife had to transfer to hospice, I promised her shortly before she passed that I would take care of Lee. Why did I offer this? I knew Lee’s wife’s children would not care for him and that society has few issues with turning a convenient blind eye to the needs and plights of our seniors.
Image Credit: Malik Law P.A.
It’s been a few years since his wife’s passing, and I call Lee every couple of weeks to check in (we live in different states). At first, I didn’t look forward to these calls; as I mentioned, Lee had an edge and could be spontaneously defensive. As time went on, however, it became easier for us to communicate, and we would even enjoy a few laughs. At this stage of his life, he had few, if any, friends and no children of his own. When someone is in this situation, they start facing difficulties you may not realize or understand.
On a recent call, I felt something was off. There was a sense of helplessness and desperation in his voice. He shared that he was out of money and relied on his church to bring him food. His apartment had recently suffered water damage, and he had medical issues that needed attending to. He said, “I don’t see the point in going on. I’ve given up.” The conversation caught me off guard. He had not mentioned these issues in such a way before, and the despondency in his voice gave me pause but no effective response. We awkwardly ended the call.
I called him back a few minutes later to ask what I should have asked in the previous call: “How can I help you?” He didn’t hesitate to answer: “Send money,” which I promptly did. He was grateful for the help (even though it wasn’t a lot), and I’m working with him to shore up his finances. This process has strengthened our relationship, and we continue to speak regularly.
The late Lord Jonathan Sacks wrote, “It [civility] is an affirmation that the problems of some are the problems of all, that a good society presupposes collective responsibility, that there is a moral dimension to being part of this nation, this people, this place.” In reflecting on my friendship with Lee, given my knowledge of his circumstances, essential questions that should have been asked regularly are, “Can I do anything for you?” and “Do you need anything?” Lee may not have thought to turn to me as I had not provided positive signals to him that I was open to and had the means to help him.
Lee is a proud man and may not have been willing to admit needing help. More challengingly, the elderly may assume you know what they need, e.g., “I need to pick up medication, or, I haven’t been out of this house for weeks; why isn’t anyone offering to help?” Too often, we ignore the elderly, incorrectly thinking they’re all set with their Social Security checks, savings, Medicare, Medicaid, and other programs. However, everyone’s situation is unique, and asking routinely what you can do for them, what they would like to do, etc., is the better side of error.
So, frequently contact your older family members, friends, and acquaintances. Yes, older people can be challenging to deal with as their physical and mental health deteriorates (I hear this frequently from friends and colleagues). However, at that moment, all societies are put to the test. Do we try to reach out and help, consider their dignity and needs, or do we allow these older folks to fall into despair, cynical with the thought and affirmation that no one cares about them? The choice is ours to make.
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